1: Exaggerate a Little About Your Responsibilities at Your Previous Job
If you actually tell your interviewer what your previous job roles were, they’ll never hire you! Everyone exaggerates a little bit. Honestly, who the hell knows what a Data Managing Analyst is? They can’t truly know you really just did Data Entry.
2: Continuously Call Your Interviewer The Wrong Name
Karen? Or was it Carol?
Brian? Or was it Brent?
You can get a little creative with this one. It lets them know you don’t really care who they are, they are just a small barrier to your success even if they don’t hire you, but they should let you on their team because ‘there is nothing stopping this person’s path of success. I might as well benefit from his success trajectory’. Play hard to get!
3: Be Open About Your Hobbies
If an interviewer asks about what kinds of hobbies do you enjoy; mention you ‘absolutely love the pastime of Making, Managing, and Multiplying Dollars.
You should check out managingdollars.com.’ as well as fishing for potential massive-earning-clients.
4: Speak Negatively about your Previous Employer’s Inability to Run Efficiently
‘Yeah, they were just a bunch of middle-aged-men who became too comfortable sitting on their one success that is starting to fail. And always penalized me when I was late.’ is how you should answer when someone asks about one of your previous employers. Then follow it up with you believe you honestly could’ve run a business several times more profitable if you had the funds to begin with.
5: Compliment Your Interviewer, Let Them Know They Have a Chance With You, No Matter What Gender/Species
At the beginning of the interview, say to your interviewer ‘Are you my Guardian angel, cause you look like one’. If they ask what you are talking about, just give ‘em a wink and finger-pistols. If there is more than one interviewer, then throughout the interview make it a point to speak directly at one specific person, even if they did not ask you a question. Be sure to smirk and bite your lip a little during the low points.
6: Rent an Exotic Vehicle to Drive to Your Interview
When you pull up in an exotic, expensive vehicle they immediately begin to wonder what kind of checks your previous employers were signing for you. This gets them every time and lets them know you are worth whatever price you are asking, because they have no idea what you truly did for your previous employer. Lamborghinis are expensive to maintain, so just rent one for a day or two(they’re fun to drive) and save up for one.